You certainly know this situation: A great idea pops into your mind, and before you even get to think about it seriously, you talk yourself out of it again.
You are sitting in school, university, or a meeting, and someone asks a question. You know the answer, but for some reason, you don't raise your hand to say anything, and in the next moment, you hear someone else saying the exact words you had on your mind for which the person promptly gets praised. Or you sit in a project group, discussing only unimportant things, but you don't dare to take the helm.
I'm sure all of us know situations like these pretty well. But what is it that holds us back so successfully?
Why don't we dare to say what we think and do what we want with a smile on our face?
After all, these ideas come to us for a reason, don't they? Wouldn't it be much easier to live our lives free of #self-doubts and the worry that something might not work out or that other people might think badly of us?
Imagine we have an incredibly great idea and tell our best friend about it. As it is our best friend, we expect him to understand where we are coming from, and our soul wants to experience support and appreciation. But instead of bursting into enthusiasm, all we hear is words of criticism and supposedly apparent reasons why our plan will probably not work. First and foremost, this would be a damn damper, of course. But in the end, it is nothing more than ONE OPINION. This opinion is not backed by any analysis or hard facts that could underpin its truth.
Every creator, every free spirit, every successful person, has its critics.
It is in the nature of things. One wants to do something new, stretches boundaries, or simply does things others would not dare to try or do not believe they could achieve themselves. It, therefore, is difficult for them to imagine that someone close to them could do it. This thinking pattern, however, tells more about their #self-esteem and what they allow themselves to experience than what they think we are capable of or not.
When people are very close to us, they also want to protect us from #disappointments as well as negative feelings and experiences that a #failure of our idea could entail.
But, what if that person simply knows less than we do or simply misjudges things or us?
What if we could achieve everything we want?
What if we would not let such concerns and opinions of others stop us from doing the things we believe in and want?
Let's look at the story of the two writers Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen, for example. When they were looking for a publisher for their today's best-selling book, Chicken Soup for the Soul, more than a hundred and forty publishers #rejected it. They told them that no one would ever buy it because it contained neither sex nor any form of violence and that, therefore, no one would want to read it. They had to endure over one hundred and forty #rejections until they finally found a courageous publisher who gave their book a chance. And it hit like a bomb.
Today there are many variations, from Chicken Soup for the Soul of Children to Chicken Soup for the Soul of Wine Lovers.
What would have happened if they had given up after the first #rejection? Or after the third? Everyone would have understood if they had focused on other things after the hundredth #rejection. Not them! They chose a different way: they remained persistent and did not give up on their dream of providing others with courage and joy by reading their stories.
The absolute truth is: nobody knows in advance if something will succeed or not.
One has an assessment, an opinion, no more and no less.
Parents, society, and schools give us a specific #thinking pattern. Early on we learn what is wrong and what is right, what is good and what is bad, what is nice and what is naughty. This dual way of thinking simplifies the usually very complex connections but does not contain any grey areas, no creative approaches to solutions. If it were so easy to divide the world into two camps, there would be only one solution to every problem. But we all know that this is not true. And all of us heard the saying: Plenty roads are leading to Rome.
The world, however, is as versatile and sophisticated as we are, and it is continuously changing.
Everything is only valid until proven otherwise.
And to prove exactly that, we have to ask questions that nobody dared to ask before. We must use our #creativity and find new ideas and paths to go. We have to get out of our #comfort-zone of black and white thinking and admit new truths. We have to break through the thought patterns of the possible that we have learned and question the things we think we know.
This very first step of questioning the known, however, is the hardest part. From a very young age, we have been guided by what the elders around us have done and said. At home, we got rewarded for behavior that our parents considered to be desirable and punished for the actions they didn't like. At school, we learned to be quiet, to adapt, to listen carefully, and to learn what the teacher thought was right and not to question it to get good grades. After all, we knew that our parents expected us to behave that way because good grades promise a great future. They let you get the training position you want or study what you want (or what trusted people had suggested you be the best choice for future success).
Instead of being self-contained we always seek for the approval and appreciation of others.
We start to follow the paths and rules made by others so early that we usually do not dare to question them. We take them for granted. Furthermore, following these given structures promises us the reward we desire: the recognition from parents, family, and friends and the well-paid job that is supposed to make us happy and fulfilled, etc.
Always focusing on the outside and the perception of others, we try to fit in the best we can. We make ourselves so dependent on the opinions of others that we often completely ignore our knowledge and skills.
We give the assessments and opinions of others more weight than our own and question ourselves instead of trusting ourselves.
The fear of possible #rejection usually prevents us from expressing even the best ideas, not to mention putting them into practice.
No one is free from the fear of being #rejected.
We all want to be #accepted and #loved the way we are. However, it is the question of whether we let this fear determine our life or decide to go our own way and follow our hearts.
We know best what we want, what does us good, and what we can do and achieve!
Unfortunately, we often underestimate what we can accomplish, too. At some point in time, we decide to accept the opinion and perception of others to be more important than our own assessment.
This focus on other people's #perceptions and #opinions already starts much earlier in life than most of us might think. The time we take on board the most thinking patterns is in our early childhood. In this time, we are little learning machines; we absorb everything our surroundings provide us with as truth and form our beliefs about ourselves and the world.
As children, we are very intuitive beings, living entirely in the emotional world and perceiving so much more of our environment than just the spoken word.
When we experienced the feeling of not being entirely accepted and seen the way we are or if we have been told that we are not good at a specific thing, this feeling usually still accompanies us today.
Without knowing why or questioning it, we see all these weaknesses and imperfections that do not exist. We have the feeling that we do not deserve what we long for or that we are not worthy enough to follow our ideas and to stand up for ourselves.
But if you consider the fact that all of us already learn from a very young age how we have to think and act, a conclusion is obvious:
We all have similar fears.
One of the most important things we have to learn is that EVERYONE without exception has #self-doubts; some more, some less, but we all have them.
The crucial difference, however, is that some people let their #self-doubts determine their thoughts and actions, while others have learned to perceive it, but use it only as an incentive to get the best out of themselves.
So if #self-doubts play their role in everyone's life, what do we risk when we openly say what we think or do the things we want to do?
If we are in a situation where we don't dare to say anything, aren't we grateful that the person next to us has the courage to speak up and make our case?
Don't we admire the one who dared to answer the question we also knew the answer for but did not dare to raise our voice?
Sure, all of us are, to some extent, dependent on the assessment of others and cannot entirely free ourselves from it.
And as it is not only us who decides what works and what doesn't, we should stay open to constructive criticism that shows us mistakes and makes us continuously improve. It lets us grow and learn always. And that is what we should understand it as: as help, as inspiration and as a change of perspective.
Especially at the very beginning, we will make mistakes. That is quite normal. Admitting mistakes and accepting criticism is often not easy and anything but pleasant, but it is necessary to achieve the things we want to accomplish.
The biggest mistake, however, would be to let well-intentioned criticism thwart us or even divert us from our path and stop us from doing the things we have on our mind.
Giving up after the first set back or criticism would be like having a flat tire on our bike, just getting a patch to repair it, and then slashing the other tire on purpose.
Usually, we don't ask just anybody for advice or assessment. We ask the people around us, whose opinion we value. May it because they have different or more life experiences than we have, or because they choose different solutions than we would, and we hope to gain different insights from their different perspective.
Let us take their assessment and advice as a #inspiration, use it as a change of perspective and consider it for what it is: an opinion. No more and no less. Let's not let it unsettle us. Let's use it as a motivation to show what we are made of and to get the best out of ourselves.
Let us stand by ourselves and believe in us!
After all, the others around us only see in us what WE ALLOW them to see. Usually, they automatically reflect the #self-image we have of ourselves back to us, just like a mirror would. As soon as we #believe in ourselves and our abilities, we radiate it. Others then automatically perceive us as #self-confident and competent and trust us more.
Hand on heart: Who do you personally find more impressive?
Someone afraid of everything, never steps out of his #comfort-zone and always finds a reason that prevents him from doing something, or someone who stands up, raises his voice, says what he thinks and does what he wants and says, no matter what others might think or say?
But what can we do to get more #confidence and higher #self-esteem?
One way to get more #self-confidence is to perceive yourself more consciously and thus to get to know yourself better. Too often, we focus on the things that we supposedly cannot do or cannot do to the extent that others can do them, making us feel small or even untalented.
But, it is not our weaknesses that define us. It is our talents, our strengths in life, with which we touch others. Become aware of this! Enhance your strengths, and only work on your weaknesses to the extent that they further support your strengths. On the one hand, it is much more fun, and on the other hand, it is much more efficient. As soon as the focus is on the things you are good at and that you enjoy, this is what you draw into your life: fun and success, from which more #self-confidence will result.
The first step: Create two lists.
In the first list, write down your strengths.
- What are you good at?
- What do you find easy?
- If you find it challenging to identify your strengths, write down what you enjoy. Most of the time, it is the things we enjoy doing that are good for us and where we are better than others.
In the second list write down the qualities that you value in yourself.
- What makes you different?
- What are you proud of?
- How do you want to be perceived, and for what do you want to be loved?
- What do you love about yourself? - Sometimes it is also helpful to make a SHORT list of your alleged weaknesses and to question them critically. Would I see this quality in a friend as a weakness? Often the things we consider our most significant flaws contain the truth of strength at their core.
- Ask yourself: What positive effect do I have on myself and others by being the way I am?
Be surprised by yourself and amazed! The beauty of this exercise is that both lists are usually longer than initially expected.
The second step: Enjoy and be happy
Start the day with joy: Read through both lists every morning right after getting up and let their truths sink in. Enjoy it and be proud of who you are. You are awsome, lovely, and strong. Both lists prove it.
The third step: Complete!
As soon as you start looking at the character trades, values, and strengths and all the other beautiful things you love about yourself, you will notice more and more strengths and qualities that make you the wonderful being you are today. Write them down. Complete your lists. Let these lists live and grow. They will give you courage and strength for all the adventures that await you.
The fourth step: Dare!
Strengthened by the knowledge of your talents, strengths, and positive qualities, it is now time to show it to the world. Speak your thoughts, put your plans into action to make your dreams become a reality, and listen to yourself and the voice of your heart.
The fifth step: Celebrate your successes
The first successes will come soon. Hold on to them: make a list of your accomplishments. In moments of #self-doubts, the list of your accomplishments will show you what you are capable of and give you the strength to persevere.
Let your heart speak with your deeds!
Did you give it a try already and want to share your experiences, learning's and successes? Write them into the comment section. I am excited to read about it!
Love,
Your Nadine
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